Fort Awesome

I work in a call centre. At the start of every working day, I sit down and think to myself: “What I’d really like right now is to be verbally abused by some retards”. So, of course, I put on my headset, take my phone off wrap, and mentally prepare to deal with the British public. In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation, or already are in a similar situation, I’ve put together a brief guide to a few of the types of customer you’ll be dealing with in your stupid job.

Type 1: The Senile OAP

The senile OAP has no idea why he just called you. Hell, he’s not even sure what day it is, or where his trousers are. If you mention the kind of service you offer to him, he’ll probably decide that he needs it, but be prepared for a lot of teeth gnashing frustration should you try to drag any details from him - this guy has never heard of a post code, and in his day telephone numbers were three digits long and made of wood.

Type 2: The Twat

Lots of people get upset about things, and are quite justified in doing so. What separates the twat from these people is that whatever the twat is pissed off about, be it someone from your company who was late for an appointment, or just simply the fact that you didn’t answer the phone with “Hail to thee your worshipful magnificence, how can I serve thee and thine kin today in your righteous dominion, my lord and commander?”, the twat is going to hold you, and you alone personally responsible for every last petty grievance he holds against your company. Expect this self-important waste of life to address you as if you just finished raping his, her, or its mother.

Type 3: The Scottish Twat

This type of customer is basically everything the twat is, with the added merriment of being Scottish. What this essentially means is that you’ll get an even bigger earful of stupid problems, since the Scottish twat is buggered if William Wallace had his guts ripped out in the name of freedom back in 1305 just so that your company could mess Scottish people about. Avoid at all costs.

Type 4: The Telephobe

Maybe this individual’s family were once viciously attacked by a gang of telephones. Maybe he once saw his favourite pet eaten by a telephone. Whatever the reason is, he now hates and fears them, and when he rings you, he wants the receiver to be as far away from his head as humanly possible. Crouched in a bunker on the other side of the room, he whispers his request in a quiet, shaky voice that leaves you trying to ram your earpiece through the side of your skull in a desperate attempt to hear what he has to say.