Fort Awesome

It has come to my attention that I haven’t been driving properly. Apparently I had the foolish assumption that the Highway Code was an authoritative set of rules when it comes to operating an automobile on public highways, and that others would follow these rules. But it turns out I’m in the minority. I have compiled this list of rules which the majority of drivers abide by, and which I can only assume are the real rules of the road.

This here be Englande; if you drive on the crazy side of the road just swap right and left.

Main rules

• Indicators were invented by the Victorians before they developed mind-reading. You have no use for these. Anyway, if you can’t see them, what’s the point?
• If the car in front of you is not speeding, the best way to gently signal to them is to drive no more than 2 metres away from his bumper. This will speed up the car ahead, even when the other car is behind more traffic. Conventional logic does not apply on tarmac.

Motorways

• Don’t worry about ever indicating on motorways. In fact it is illegal to indicate on motorways. Because all the cars are going extremely fast, it’s safe to simply swerve out to another lane; flashing lights would serve only to confuse fellow drivers.
• When you wish to overtake another car on a motorway, make sure you get right up to the back of the car in front. This lets them know in a courteous fashion that you wish to overtake them. Flashing your lights is also polite. Then swerve to the outer lane (remember not to indicate), then cut back in front of the other vehicle as close as possible. This ensures efficient lane usage.

Roundabouts aka The Circlebitch

• The Highway code suggests that you should indicate left before your exit. The Highway Code is wrong. There are a number of different ways you can go about it:
  • Not at all.
  • Indicate right before your exit.
  • Indicate right all the way round, until well after you’ve left the roundabout. Common sense might indicate that this is even less helpful than not indicating at all, but that is one example where common sense will get you in trouble.

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.