Archive for September, 2006

Man Sued by Burglar

Published by Moses Roffle on 25th September, 2006 in Articles. Closed

The other day I saw this in the newspaper:

Man Sued by Burglar

Jerry Bartwright, a fifty-four year old builder from Sussex, was yesterday ordered to pay £5,000 in compensation to a criminal who had broken in to his house earlier this year. Twenty-four year old Shaun Jones, the burglar in question, had apparently sustained back injuries whilst reaching for some jewels which were, according to the prosecution, “Placed on a shelf that was too high for Mr. Jones to safely reach”.

The presiding judge, the Right Honourable Sir David Harvey, ruled that placing the jewels on the shelf in question was tantamount to criminal negligence on the part of Mr. Bartwright, and ordered him to pay the sum of £3,500 to Mr. Jones in compensation for the injuries sustained, as well as a further £1,500 to cover his legal costs, and the mental anguish he suffered during the trial. Mr. Bartwright has so far refused to pay the fine, issuing the following statement outside the courtroom yesterday: “This is fucking stupid.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sick and tired of waking up in the night to find some shit attacking the wires behind my TV with a pair of shears in an attempt to electrocute himself so that he can sue me for all I’m worth. Call me a right-wing fascist pisscup, but how’s about this for a law: If someone breaks into your house in the middle of the night and starts taking stuff you can do what the hell you want to them.

If one of these dicks happens to break into the property of some deranged pervert, who proceeds to nail them to a wall, and bugger them with a rusty hook until they shit out their own bowels, then TOUGH SHIT. They shouldn’t have been there in the first place should they?

Just a thought. Just a little thought.

Let alone

Published by Nick on 16th September, 2006 in Blog. 3 Comments

He has no concept of how to play guitar, let alone hold one.

This is wrong. So wrong. The lesser action should be the one that comes first; otherwise it makes no sense.

He has no concept of how to hold a guitar, let alone play one.

Yes Jimmy, you learn well. Oh… My… God. I’ve just this second found an awesome page, which has a comprehensive list of errors commonly perpetrated by the illiterate. “Let alone” is right in there. Read it all, sap it up! Or buy the book, I guess.

Henry Fielding and the George Jetsons’ Ultimate Jazz Band 2007 Reunion

Published by Nick on 9th September, 2006 in Blog. 2 Comments

While the physical, real Fort Awesome has been as busy as a pie, the virtual, made-up Fort Awesome on the web has been slowly stagnating in the only way it knows how, which is to fail to change in any way. Fortunately I’ve come along and updated it with a different look & feel; very March 1997. But we’re working on that. Actually, nobody is. But it might get updated anyway. It’s all about the content though, isn’t it? Unfortunately we fail on that aspect even worser. Still, at least none of us are dead.

Yet.

For those worried, The Bar has made it to the new house. It took some dismantling and some epic walking across town carrying a large varnished piece of wood. We have a new helicopter, which doesn’t spin and crash constantly like the old one used to, so anybody needing a lift here, just give us a call and we’ll have you flown over. Our kitchen now is now certified as Freaking Ace, complete with plate rack and status as a separate room from the living area.

Moses has been upgraded from Hapless Phone Lackey to Man Who Makes Graphs. All that experience clicking the Graph button on Excel finally paid off! In return he gets paid several extra sovereigns of gold per fortnight, which means he can finally pay me back for that silver cabbage container I bought for him. Seriously, just put it in the fridge like everybody else?

The other three of us are in the same jobs, but getting pretty good at them by now. And to add to the fun, yet another three recent graduate friends of ours have moved in nearby. Two of them are jobless and will remain that way forever, ha ha (stop reading this and find a job, layabouts!).

Um, in other news… I’m flying to Holland in a couple of weeks, to see a hot lady. You know who I’m talking about. That’s right. Went out to Birmingham for a couple of friends’ club night (note exquisitely correct placement of apostrophe on the plural friends), which was fun and good. I am currently plagued by a renewed wave of ennui, which I hope to placate by drawing on the drawing equipment birthday’d to me by the same hot lady mentioned earlier.

I write this to the sound of Jeff hitting metal strings against a guitar. Metal eh, you gotta love it.