Fort Awesome

Life can be a confusing place for some. What’s It All About? Why Is It Happening? Why Is It Happening to Me? What The Hell Is Me? Thankfully these questions were answered long ago and just largely ignored by the throng. For your pleasure I’ve condensed them to this concise phrase:

Life is awesome.

Reason 1 to Stay Alive

It’s better than your other option.

Being dead is pretty fucking crap. Oh, I know the death cults will try to talk it up; “they have angels and shit up there and it’s all happy and cloudy,” blah de blah blah BLAH. Well if you’re going to be there forever anyway then what’s the hurry? May as well check out what’s going on down on earth where you can at least try having sex before marriage and other stuff that’d be seriously frowned upon. Then there’s the unavoidable feeling that it might all just be a load of old horse shit and that, in fact, death is just wall-to-wall maggoty chomping. In either case, given our general ignorance of the beyond it seems far safer to stay on this side of the grim veil for as long as we can. Just… In Case.

Reason 2 to Stay Alive

You’ll piss off the crabs.

Nobody likes crabs.

Reason 3 to Stay Alive

Being creative.

Making stuff just makes you happy. Trust me; I have an overbearing sense of my own correctness. Design your dream house, then build it. Draw an amazing masterpiece. Doodle a man weeing over a bridge. Compose a ditty, jam some jazz. Scat. Nice.

Reason 4 to Stay Alive

Finding Out If Killer Robots Take Over.

You need to know this.

Reason 5 to Stay Alive

Love or Beer.

One of the two, they both have their ups and downs, de-criers and worshippers. Now if you can combine the two in a happy mixture…

Reason 6 to Stay Alive

Help Stop The Zombie Apocolypse.

We’ll need every man we can get when the hordes of the dead stream from their festering death holes. Don’t join the ranks of the enemy! It’s so impolite.

Reason 7 to Stay Alive

Laughing, since life is very funny.

Really when you stop to think, look at all those people: why are they in such a hurry, don’t they know? Nope, they really don’t, and that’s pretty funny isn’t it?

Reason 8 to Stay Alive

Small things.

The next episode of Scrubs; a hearty home cooked curry; Muse. There are lots of little things that make life fun everyday if you open your senses to them. Failing that, a flower with a moustache is pretty amazing.

Reason 9 to Stay Alive

It’s your life and you control it.

You make your own rules, though you’d be forgiven for thinking that the way things are is the way things have to be. They’ve always been that way right? What can one man do? Well one man can change his own life. Tomorrow you can make change happen for you. Take a different route home; squirt ketchup on a mirror. See? In a small lame way you have proved you can do it. It doesn’t stop there either - you can do what you want with your life when you want to. Keep your words and actions honest to your heart and you can’t go far wrong. Even if you do it’ll probably be funnier.