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Archive for May, 2007

Fort Awesome Records Presents…

Of course, we all like Dads. And that’s why Fort Awesome, like all good Dads, are inviting you to participate in this exciting lifestyle opportunity.

Shower CD Cover

“The Best of Your DAD Singing in the Shower” is the brand new CD from Fort Awesome Records, containing twelve electrifying tracks, all performed by genuine Dads in real showers. Included are all your classic favourites:

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

Radiohead - Kid A

The Beatles - Revolution 9

Béla Bartók - Music for Strings, Percussion and Celesta

And much, much more! All this wonderful music could be yours for just £13.99, so send us your fucking money!

For an extra £3.00 you can purchase the special limited addition, which contains a photo-book of each Dad’s soapy penis and testicles. Buy today - happiness is just £16.99 away!

This week in death

BBC News continues its trend of “a thing that causes cancer”-a-week with this week’s exclusive:

  • Multi-vitamins - Not especially funny, but another great example of something that is meant to make you better making you dead.

Now where did I put my gun?

Drawing Jeff

Work is hard. The hours, long. The whippings, wholly unnecessary. So after a long haul down in the pits Moses and I like to relax with some doodle tennis. Using the magic of Live Messenger’s handwriting feature (seriously, why does no other chat thing have this?) we choose a theme and take turns to draw doodles. The tools are rudimentary and we have just two mice to do our artistic bidding through our handular motionistics.

On this occassion, we decided to draw Jeff. Here are the fruits in whole and in order. They go through various phases of abstractness and absurdity.

Me:

Moses:

Me:

Moses:

Me:

Me:

Moses:

Me:

Me:
Jeff’s classic wardrobe: Tux, beach shorts and sandals. Plus moose head.

Moses:

Moses again:

That just about wraps it up. If you merge together all these images you get a pretty good likeness of the man himself.

Shit, this looks much better.

Well done Nick for making this webpage less horribly offensive to the skullsockets of all mankind. I feel I can now post my horrifically irrelevant and irreverent thoughts without feeling like they are dining in a tin bucket with arse-piss.

[LIFE UPDATE]

Bassically I’ve been learning to play the bass guitar, getting paid more golden nuggets for my man-hours and generally hanging aboot the place. I’m officially still shit at the bass but, maybe, joost maybee, one day in the non-too-distant future I’ll merely suck. When that day comes I plan to buy a bass instead of stealing Jeffington’s. And buy it I shall, with my newly acquired wealth garnered from glambering that slippery career ladder. For those keeping score, I’m now making the games instead of breaking them.

[ENOUGH OF THAT SORT OF THING]

I’m feeling my anger reserves somewhat depleted at present, but I intend to actually use this blog thing again to get it more filled with interesting things to read, because I feel I should.

There is only a precious, and tiny amount of actually good enertainment in this world and I sense that I’m about halfway through it already. If someone doesn’t start adding stuff to the heap we might just run right the hell out.

Things you should be watching, because I have been:

The Wire - Social portrait of a city falling apart and the people trying to hold it together. Literally bursting with good ideas.

Heroes - Big TV does comic book. Influenced by several good ones, tendency to go a bit Lost-esque at times. Too many characters.

Peep Show - One of the only comedy programs in the last five years not to be, on the whole, a bit shit. Comedy is hard, but Peep Show keeps coming up with the gold. Mitchell & Webb really need to relax on their piles of cash on a sun drenched beach for a while. It can’t be long before the rest of the public are as exhausted with them as my eyes are with seeing their faces everywhere I turn. I doubt they will though; the utter bastards.

Things that cause cancer

I often read BBC news online when I’m at work to keep me apprised of, well, news. And I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in the Health section: everything causes cancer. Now I’m not just talking about the obvious ones. Some of the most ridiculous things apparently cause cancer. Even things that are meant to be good for you! Brilliant. Here are some of my favourites:

I appreciate that some of these may have been proved wrong by now, but there’s a new one every week I swear.