In all my life, I have known no greater love than that which I feel towards my company alarm clock. There it sits, on my desk, logo a glitter like a shining star in the cold night air - I think it smiles at me sometimes. When I’m not looking.
One day I’ll work up some courage and ask it if it would like to go for a drink some time, or maybe for a walk in the park like they do in the books and films. Until then… well… I can just gaze at it longingly. And masturbate.
I love you, company alarm clock. I hope you feel the same way about me.