Fort Awesome

The problem with you is that you always get angry at the wrong things.

Take last week for example when you got annoyed at that old lady muttering behind you in the supermarket. ‘She had eyes like over cooked lemons!’ you squawked; maybe she did, but it wasn’t the old dear you should have been getting in a bother over. No, your ire would have been more rightly directed at the European Union - how can anyone not mutter at perfect strangers when there is a no-nothing jobsworth straightening our bananas in fandango land? It’s just not possible.

Then there was that time on Tuesday night when you became irritated trying to squeeze the last bits of toothpaste from the tube, swearing and shouting at it you were as it refused to budge. Yet it’s not the hard working toothpaste tube designers, who you were so quick to blame, at fault here. Not at all, my dear. It’s the immigrants. How can anyone concentrate on the finer points of squeezable paste dispensers when a simple walk down the high street turns into a hideous gauntlet of foreign thieves gushing ever deeper like a tsunami. How can a man focus his razor sharp mind when at any moment the vicious bastards are eyeing up the cash in his pocket, the curves of his wife and the steak in his trousers? This whole country has gone to the dogs, and those dogs are probably from Poland.

Then there was yesterday when you were so upset with me for spending the whole afternoon smoking cuban cigars and beating hookers with my slippers. Yet how can I be to blame when it is society and your own over-inflated expectations that are the real culprit here. You should be focusing your hammer of hate on the real evil of woman kind being allowed to dream and think above their simple capacities. No, by far the best thing is for you to just let me do the thinking in future - I’ll be taking care of deciding exactly who you are allowed to be cross with. Just in time too, as there are some important issues coming up - like exactly who is responsible for me not having a more expensive dog. My bet is on it being either the gays or the poor behind this particular conspiracy, and if I’ve learned one thing its that I’ll certainly find out the answer down the pub.