I was sat in town the other day, munching on a baked potato, when something really incredible happened. It didn’t seem like much at first - just your bog standard blue-green vortex opening up in the middle of the pavement and belching out a giant, mucus coated crab-beast - but then I noticed something really special. The colour of the vortex was an exact match to that of a car I had seen drive past only five minutes earlier!
This can’t just be a coincidence, I thought. Sure of the significance of the vortex’s hue, I put down my potato and leapt into it, bawling like an ape.
Of course, once I was inside the vortex, my eyes were opened up to the astonishing truth of existence, and I began to see things as they really are - not just as the pale façades that we all accept like beggars on a cold winters eve. And in that moment of absolute perceptual clarity, I realised the vortex was, in fact, a slightly different shade of aqua-marine to the car that I had seen earlier.
I felt so foolish at this revelation that I leapt back out of the vortex - (not bawling this time, that’s for children and the Irish) - and landed with my arse right in the potato I had left on the pavement. Upon seeing this, some nearby chavs started to laugh, and shouted “Potato Johnson! He’s a Potato Johnson!” at me.
Since this event I have become addicted to pain killers, and now attend group therapy twice a week.
i put it to you that you are the funniest writer on the internet.
No James its you that is the funniest writer on the internet!
I always knew you were a Potato Johnson, deep down.