Author Archive for Nick
We knew a turtle once. His name was Robert. We used to call him Robert the turtle, which in hindsight was quite a suitable name for him. “Hello Robert,” was the term we used to use when greeting him, and “Goodbye Robert,” was the primary method of wishing him farewell after having shared a worthwhile conversation. It would be fair to say that all conversations with Robert were worthwhile, thus lending a small amount of redundancy to the previous statement. “Robert,” we’d begin, in the approach to an inquisitive question, “How much ice cream could we eat before having to go to hospital?” And in his wisdom, Robert would turn his head in that slow turtley way and reply, “Quite a lot.”
We learned a lot from that shelled creature, and we like to think that he learned a little from us, although to be honest that is highly doubtful; Robert’s base level of wisdom was too high.”It’s too high,” we’d exclaim wistfully, much to Robert’s confusion. He just wouldn’t understand; perhaps the one thing he wouldn’t understand. It didn’t matter because he knew most things, and most is surely enough, especially when compared to less, which incidentally was another thing Robert used to say sometimes, though not always in a particularly relevant context.
One day Robert left our village, and went off to be an investment banker. We like to think that he’s the best investment banker around, though we haven’t seen his portfolio; hopefully it is well invested in turtle-based ventures, or at least companies working in that general field. Business is indeed booming, and it is turtle shaped.
Well, we finally finished it. The cowboy song is done.
Not us, but my brother took the liberty of making this little mashup. It’s funny.
A new song is on the way, and it’s about cowboys. Watch out.
He has no concept of how to play guitar, let alone hold one.
This is wrong. So wrong. The lesser action should be the one that comes first; otherwise it makes no sense.
He has no concept of how to hold a guitar, let alone play one.
Yes Jimmy, you learn well. Oh… My… God. I’ve just this second found an awesome page, which has a comprehensive list of errors commonly perpetrated by the illiterate. “Let alone” is right in there. Read it all, sap it up! Or buy the book, I guess.
While the physical, real Fort Awesome has been as busy as a pie, the virtual, made-up Fort Awesome on the web has been slowly stagnating in the only way it knows how, which is to fail to change in any way. Fortunately I’ve come along and updated it with a different look & feel; very March 1997. But we’re working on that. Actually, nobody is. But it might get updated anyway. It’s all about the content though, isn’t it? Unfortunately we fail on that aspect even worser. Still, at least none of us are dead.
Yet.
For those worried, The Bar has made it to the new house. It took some dismantling and some epic walking across town carrying a large varnished piece of wood. We have a new helicopter, which doesn’t spin and crash constantly like the old one used to, so anybody needing a lift here, just give us a call and we’ll have you flown over. Our kitchen now is now certified as Freaking Ace, complete with plate rack and status as a separate room from the living area.
Moses has been upgraded from Hapless Phone Lackey to Man Who Makes Graphs. All that experience clicking the Graph button on Excel finally paid off! In return he gets paid several extra sovereigns of gold per fortnight, which means he can finally pay me back for that silver cabbage container I bought for him. Seriously, just put it in the fridge like everybody else?
The other three of us are in the same jobs, but getting pretty good at them by now. And to add to the fun, yet another three recent graduate friends of ours have moved in nearby. Two of them are jobless and will remain that way forever, ha ha (stop reading this and find a job, layabouts!).
Um, in other news… I’m flying to Holland in a couple of weeks, to see a hot lady. You know who I’m talking about. That’s right. Went out to Birmingham for a couple of friends’ club night (note exquisitely correct placement of apostrophe on the plural friends), which was fun and good. I am currently plagued by a renewed wave of ennui, which I hope to placate by drawing on the drawing equipment birthday’d to me by the same hot lady mentioned earlier.
I write this to the sound of Jeff hitting metal strings against a guitar. Metal eh, you gotta love it.
We had this pretty much down weeks ago, but have spent the time since deliberating, sitting around like numptys and re-recording various bits.
We love making songs! We’ve got other bits of wonderment on the musical production line conveyor belt that is Fort Awesome House Band.
We had a productive weekend. For the first time ever we can ask ourselves “what did we do with our weekend?”, and the answer will be a barbeque, but also a song. We wrote one about a radiator, then recorded it. It’s lovely and a bit silly.
We got the bathroom light fixed thank you for asking… it was the fuse all along! Who would’ve thought.
Since February we have been trapped inside our house by an invisible force known as Guitar Hero. We try to leave but instead we end up playing songs on a pretend plastic guitar; and it is awesome. Come over and have a go.
We’ve also been playing SingStar Rocks, the rock version of the popular singing game. I know, that’s two computer games taking up our time, but you know… it gets the ladies.
Nick and Moses decided that our collective creativity was being malnourished of late, due to busyness with work. We brainstormed; we drew lines; we decided the animation would take too long; we decided to write a song instead. It’s about a radiator and it’ll be in the shops next month, maybe.
Peace out, my homies xx
Finally, we are top. Top of the ranking. Up there, in the heady heights, in flashing lights. I’m referring to our position on the Google Search for “Fort Awesome”. Yes, we didn’t research the name properly before signing the documents, and there are in fact a numerous many other Fort Awesomes, each slightly less awesome than the last. In any case, for months we were 3rd and then 2nd in the Google.com; second only to a club with a rubbish website, but not only that, a club that was now closed. Oh, the humility.
But humility has turned to hubris! We are top. Toppety top top. Toppy topping topperary toppinaceous toptacular.
I made this MP3 when I was 14, with my good friend Pez. The wonders of Minidisc recording and computer editing! It’s been cut up a little bit since its first version, so there are peculiar cuts.
This should be posted so that you can subscribe to the RSS2 feed as a podcast. Give it a go if you have something like iTunes or another podcast client.