Down with the sickness
This order ensures you aren’t left with any of the following that make the already strange-looking male form look even more ridiculous:
Noun
Sameurism (plural Sameurisms)
Etymology: A portmanteau of Sam and aneurism.
See also: Ragequit
On the day of Bill Gates’ last CES keynote there are bound to be a few news stories. I was not expecting these two to nestle so humorously next to each other in my BBC News feed:
Gates joins Dancing on Ice stars
Gates hails age of digital senses
At this festive time of year we sing songs to remind us that it is definitely a happy time, and to amuse and educate the children. Fort Awesome proudly presents its own dramatisation of one of these stories, so that we might again think about the true meaning of Christmas.
This is the internal contact switch for the strum bar of the guitar for the video game Rock Band. Dan was looking forward to whiling away all of New Year playing the game, strumming away like a big bastard. Then the strummer stopped working. Like a wily robot trapped alone in a house he shunned any official line of replace or repair, and headed straight for the screwdrivers and soldering iron. One of the two contact switches had snapped; probably due to them being made of very spindly metal. Dan couldn’t fix it. The result is that now the guitar doesn’t work, and is also in pieces. So is a Guitar Hero guitar, as a casualty of Dan’s attempt to salvage parts from it. This is really, really great for people who like things to be in tiny pieces, but not great for people who like Rock Band. Now we can’t play Rock Band, except for the drums and the singing.
Does this bit of metally plastic look familiar to anyone? Is it a standard thing, or a crazy invention from Harmonix? It would be great if Maplin sold bags of them, but I suspect they don’t.
Oh well.
UPDATE: I totally fixed it with scrap metal, superglue and solder. Alliteration equals success!
You know that feeling when you are absolutely sure that nothing you can do in the next couple of hours will be as good as the time you will be having at some not clearly specified point in the future? So instead of trying and failing to better those good times you will have in the future you just give up and sort of hang about, or begin aimlessly doing repetitive tasks? You know that feeling? Are you perhaps feeling it right now as you hang about the office, your mind wandering to the christmas time frivolities lying mere weeks away?
The only way to stop these feelings is a Pasta Laser. Made entirely of pasta, but definitely a laser; the Pasta Laser is the answer to all your dreams and more! Focus its energies on the most awkward of social moments and transform the gathering to a festival of lusty hippies! Aim its dark powers to distant lands and cure hydrophobia with lemon juice! Big money now! No payments necessary! No salesmen will call! No win, No fee! Calls will be charged at 50p/minute!
PASTA LASER TODAY!
So, its been another another long and hectic year in golf!
Ah, for the swing of the putting club and the smooth roll of the turf! How I long for the crests of my youth when galloping across the rink to hammer home a perfect 5 pointer between the goal posts was an every day occurence. Now in my long and throbbing obselesence I’m lucky to even hear the soft clinking of sand on lips that is the signature sound of this most graceful of sports. Too many young women were carved asunder in the bloody battlefields of gore this season, but yet what a season! Still, enough about that. For tonight we have something extra special for you all. Yes children! Open up your secret black spider books, and get ready to take notes because its time for another little story.
Tonight’s story is the sad tale of that wily old miller; Jephry Horston-Greene and his sticky adventures in horse glue…
As a young child, Jephry had always enjoyed the soft crunch of his wooden mallet on the pliant flanks of a healthy foal, but it only occured to him as he reached the age of reason that within this simple pleasure might lurk the thrusting seeds of a capitalist endeavour. You see, Jephry had discovered that the more he beat and pounded on the pretty young foals the more sticky the resultant residue. “Well” he thought out loud inside his head, “Pritt stick is just flying of the shelves of my local Asda. Its a sure thing that my new pulped horse residue will fly off those self same shelves with the same alacrity”. It didn’t take long for Jephry’s theory to be proven well and truly correct as ‘Jephry’s hand-pounded organic sticky foal paste’ started flying off the shelves. By being both fair trade and organic he quickly cornered the market in ‘green glues’ and was soon thinking of expanding his buisness beyond his converted mill ( where the foals were forced with electric brooms into the mechanical crushing of the giant spinning milling stones ).
Then tragedy struck our brave entrepreneur. Whilst tending to some minor hedge trimming he fell tragically into the path of ten thousand angry wild ironic horses that had, in recent years, begun to roam the west midlands in packs. Multiple stab wounds to the ears, nipples, feet and shins were hastily recorded before the forensic team itself was swept up in a suprising tornado of excellent constitution. Once again, the folly of man was shown helpless against the awesome power of time, and yet a undergrowth man’s dog in Shrewsbury has more meaningful thoughts than you could ever manage. Where is the justice?
And remember kids don’t go out at night (or during the day) without your paedophile protector caps firmly screwed on! In the event of an attack you’ll be completely oblivious due to the savage numbing toxins released slowly into the brain!
Play it safe, don’t think and strive.
Jesus Christ!
He was born, apparently.
Christ was; Christmas. It sits on a funny throne in this house. On the one hand, we moan when advent calendars and mince pies go on sale halfway through October. But then we did leave our Tree Festivé up in the living room until June, and I don’t think Plush Spiderman ever lost his tinsel. One wonders if he ever will.
On the whole though, it’s all a bit of a bitch. You have to start thinking about unique things to get for people again and there are only so many of those; the first person to unwrap a bronze figurine Hitler is not going to be pleased, unless I fall into very much the wrong crowd in the near to middling future. Nobody’s really impressed by an orange with cloves in it any more - I was nearly fifteen years old when the appeal faded for me. It all has to be very swanky to cut the mustard with today’s modern hipsters. Short of starting a clone army (and think about it, that’s going to take a while to grow) I’m really not sure what the solution is.
Then there’s the elongated mealery. I love food but I can’t eat a lot; I think it’s something to do with intra-digestional warping, or ectobalance. The food I do eat is lovely though, which is why the traditional massive Christmas meal is such a struggle. So much to eat, but you have to pick and choose, and then fall into an endorphin-induced coma as the stomach takes over as the primary organ of the body, digesting bits of turkey while the photons emitted by A Grand Day Out on TV provide the brain with the vital carrier wave to prevent it from collapsing into soggy neural death altogether.
So, Christmas. Jesus Christ, superstar. Posing in his beard, like a chunky dental mist. I suppose we should celebrate him again, by drinking a lot and generally exhibiting heathen behaviour. Great!
Everything is great. Absolutely peachy in fact. We certainly couldn’t be any more happy at the moment. Look out your window - look at the sun and the grass. They’re lovely aren’t they? And you’re lovely too.
Open your arms out and welcome the day. Live for the now - do something special every hour. Wow. You can. We all can. Say “Yes!” to the moment. Forget your fears. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Ok guys, check this one out right. Ever since Jeff brought it up we’ve all been desperately racking our mind cavities for the tiniest inklings, the merest sproutings, of a suitable new moniker for our glorious abode. Finally I think I’ve cracked it.
So we play a lot of Team Fortress here in the house and, and you’ll love this! Our house right, yep, our house - this one we live in yeah? But what did we go and call our house? Oh yes, you know it! Fort Awesome! Brilliant name right?! But here I’m going to go one better, oh yes! Team Fortress?! yes! Fort Awesome right? Thats it! You’re getting it! Come on! Say it with me; the new name for Fort Awesome should be:
The Bowel Factory!
Beat that in the comments (you won’t because you can’t).
In all my life, I have known no greater love than that which I feel towards my company alarm clock. There it sits, on my desk, logo a glitter like a shining star in the cold night air - I think it smiles at me sometimes. When I’m not looking.
One day I’ll work up some courage and ask it if it would like to go for a drink some time, or maybe for a walk in the park like they do in the books and films. Until then… well… I can just gaze at it longingly. And masturbate.
I love you, company alarm clock. I hope you feel the same way about me.
Hey! everybody!! Its new years fucking EVE!!! Lets get OFF our massive faces on liquid love and have a really, really good time. You better be having a fucking amazing time right now, because its godamn new. Godamn years. Fucking eve. You understand? Comprende my learn’ed friend? This is no night for a quiet cup of cocoa by the fire its a night where you absolutely must have the kind of fun that involves enormous alcohol explosions and a general blistering of enforced joy. We all know you are coming which is why we’ve made the cost of everything so absolutely fucking special. Those other people you see out on the street? Yes, that is indeed every fucktard the seven hells have ever spewed forth; cavorting and spurting foulness in a horror that will burn itself on your retina for the rest of time. Not feeling too well? Fancy a nice book or a movie? FUCK YOU. And happy new year.
….
Well hello, its time to show that special someone just how much you care about them. That’s because today the calender told you that today is the day to stop beating your wife and take her to a restaurant instead. Your love is so pure and so rare and so very sacred that the only way to properly express it is through a mass produced experience. The kind of experience packaged especially for you, and anyone else who asks, by insane psychopaths with golden lips. Why not show her how much you care with a valentines chocolate box or a special selection of valentines flowers, everyone else is doing the exact same thing so its definitely unique and special and shows you’ve really been thinking and loving all by yourself and not at all because you’ve been instructed to do so by the machinery of capitalism. Love you! Here’s a card I picked at random from a range of a thousand equally horrific ones! See how much I care. Now please can we go back to ignoring our feelings and fighting like we do the other 364 days of the year. Thanks, oh and will you be my valentine?
….
Bad evening to you stranger because its Mysterious Halloween!! AHWWOOOWOOOO!!! The scariest day of the year isn’t that just SPOOKTACKULAR!!! Whooooaawoowoooo!!!! You better run because the ghosts are on the loose and the only thing on the menu tonight is GHOULASH!!!! And your BLOOD!!! You better run in terror because I’ve just carved two holes in this pumpkin and now it looks like YOUR MOM!!! Eye of newt and wing of bat; look how the sweets have made you fat. Trick or treat?
….
Well if it isn’t bank holiday monday. With all your banks all taking time off all the day long. What are they doing? Counting money!? Ha! Well probably they are…
Alright, I guess bank holiday monday is OK. Does our reader(ship) have any better ideas for public holidays that don’t make me want to tear my heart from my rib cage and find it already unbearably broken?
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