Published by Nick on 4th May, 2009
in Blog.
It was a cold, bright day in 2005 when our home was christened Fort Awesome, and a website was made in its honour. Since then, Fort Awesome has moved to a new physical house with a nicer kitchen, and even swapped out one of its members for a new, younger and more attractive one; although the old guy will still get alumni benefits (if you donate now!). But now the world of the big and adult is upon us, and we must move into separate houses with washing lines and small herb gardens. The spirit of Fort Awesome will live on over wires, sent in digital packets. Digitial packets of love.
We weren’t really posting on here anyway. Too much important business to attend. To the helipad!
Bye guys. The site could get renovated in the future as a repository for remote audio collaborations (silly songs). Don’t watch this space; you might get cancer.
Published by Nick on 14th September, 2008
in Blog.
- Jacket
- Tie
- Shoes
- Sweater
- Socks
- Shirt
- Trousers
- Underpants
- Monocle
- Driving gloves
This order ensures you aren’t left with any of the following that make the already strange-looking male form look even more ridiculous:
- Shirt, underpants and socks - no
- Underpants and socks - hell no
- Shirt and socks - oh God
Published by Jeff on 5th February, 2008
in Blog.
Noun
Sameurism (plural Sameurisms)
- (gaming) The inevitable result of too much rage whilst playing on-line games.
If Dan keeps getting so angry he’ll have a Sameurism.
Etymology: A portmanteau of Sam and aneurism.
See also: Ragequit
Published by Jeff on 7th January, 2008
in Blog.
On the day of Bill Gates’ last CES keynote there are bound to be a few news stories. I was not expecting these two to nestle so humorously next to each other in my BBC News feed:
Gates joins Dancing on Ice stars
Gates hails age of digital senses
Published by Jeff on 24th December, 2007
in Blog.
At this festive time of year we sing songs to remind us that it is definitely a happy time, and to amuse and educate the children. Fort Awesome proudly presents its own dramatisation of one of these stories, so that we might again think about the true meaning of Christmas.
Rudolf the Magnificent Reindeer and his Useful Nose [4:55m]:
Play Now |
Play in Popup |
Download
Published by Nick on 21st December, 2007
in Blog.
This is the internal contact switch for the strum bar of the guitar for the video game Rock Band. Dan was looking forward to whiling away all of New Year playing the game, strumming away like a big bastard. Then the strummer stopped working. Like a wily robot trapped alone in a house he shunned any official line of replace or repair, and headed straight for the screwdrivers and soldering iron. One of the two contact switches had snapped; probably due to them being made of very spindly metal. Dan couldn’t fix it. The result is that now the guitar doesn’t work, and is also in pieces. So is a Guitar Hero guitar, as a casualty of Dan’s attempt to salvage parts from it. This is really, really great for people who like things to be in tiny pieces, but not great for people who like Rock Band. Now we can’t play Rock Band, except for the drums and the singing.
Does this bit of metally plastic look familiar to anyone? Is it a standard thing, or a crazy invention from Harmonix? It would be great if Maplin sold bags of them, but I suspect they don’t.
Oh well.
UPDATE: I totally fixed it with scrap metal, superglue and solder. Alliteration equals success!
Published by Dan on 3rd December, 2007
in Blog.
You know that feeling when you are absolutely sure that nothing you can do in the next couple of hours will be as good as the time you will be having at some not clearly specified point in the future? So instead of trying and failing to better those good times you will have in the future you just give up and sort of hang about, or begin aimlessly doing repetitive tasks? You know that feeling? Are you perhaps feeling it right now as you hang about the office, your mind wandering to the christmas time frivolities lying mere weeks away?
The only way to stop these feelings is a Pasta Laser. Made entirely of pasta, but definitely a laser; the Pasta Laser is the answer to all your dreams and more! Focus its energies on the most awkward of social moments and transform the gathering to a festival of lusty hippies! Aim its dark powers to distant lands and cure hydrophobia with lemon juice! Big money now! No payments necessary! No salesmen will call! No win, No fee! Calls will be charged at 50p/minute!
PASTA LASER TODAY!
Published by Dan on 30th November, 2007
in Blog.
So, its been another another long and hectic year in golf!
Ah, for the swing of the putting club and the smooth roll of the turf! How I long for the crests of my youth when galloping across the rink to hammer home a perfect 5 pointer between the goal posts was an every day occurence. Now in my long and throbbing obselesence I’m lucky to even hear the soft clinking of sand on lips that is the signature sound of this most graceful of sports. Too many young women were carved asunder in the bloody battlefields of gore this season, but yet what a season! Still, enough about that. For tonight we have something extra special for you all. Yes children! Open up your secret black spider books, and get ready to take notes because its time for another little story.
Tonight’s story is the sad tale of that wily old miller; Jephry Horston-Greene and his sticky adventures in horse glue…
As a young child, Jephry had always enjoyed the soft crunch of his wooden mallet on the pliant flanks of a healthy foal, but it only occured to him as he reached the age of reason that within this simple pleasure might lurk the thrusting seeds of a capitalist endeavour. You see, Jephry had discovered that the more he beat and pounded on the pretty young foals the more sticky the resultant residue. “Well” he thought out loud inside his head, “Pritt stick is just flying of the shelves of my local Asda. Its a sure thing that my new pulped horse residue will fly off those self same shelves with the same alacrity”. It didn’t take long for Jephry’s theory to be proven well and truly correct as ‘Jephry’s hand-pounded organic sticky foal paste’ started flying off the shelves. By being both fair trade and organic he quickly cornered the market in ‘green glues’ and was soon thinking of expanding his buisness beyond his converted mill ( where the foals were forced with electric brooms into the mechanical crushing of the giant spinning milling stones ).
Then tragedy struck our brave entrepreneur. Whilst tending to some minor hedge trimming he fell tragically into the path of ten thousand angry wild ironic horses that had, in recent years, begun to roam the west midlands in packs. Multiple stab wounds to the ears, nipples, feet and shins were hastily recorded before the forensic team itself was swept up in a suprising tornado of excellent constitution. Once again, the folly of man was shown helpless against the awesome power of time, and yet a undergrowth man’s dog in Shrewsbury has more meaningful thoughts than you could ever manage. Where is the justice?
And remember kids don’t go out at night (or during the day) without your paedophile protector caps firmly screwed on! In the event of an attack you’ll be completely oblivious due to the savage numbing toxins released slowly into the brain!
Play it safe, don’t think and strive.
Published by Nick on 13th November, 2007
in Blog.
Jesus Christ!
He was born, apparently.
Christ was; Christmas. It sits on a funny throne in this house. On the one hand, we moan when advent calendars and mince pies go on sale halfway through October. But then we did leave our Tree Festivé up in the living room until June, and I don’t think Plush Spiderman ever lost his tinsel. One wonders if he ever will.
On the whole though, it’s all a bit of a bitch. You have to start thinking about unique things to get for people again and there are only so many of those; the first person to unwrap a bronze figurine Hitler is not going to be pleased, unless I fall into very much the wrong crowd in the near to middling future. Nobody’s really impressed by an orange with cloves in it any more - I was nearly fifteen years old when the appeal faded for me. It all has to be very swanky to cut the mustard with today’s modern hipsters. Short of starting a clone army (and think about it, that’s going to take a while to grow) I’m really not sure what the solution is.
Then there’s the elongated mealery. I love food but I can’t eat a lot; I think it’s something to do with intra-digestional warping, or ectobalance. The food I do eat is lovely though, which is why the traditional massive Christmas meal is such a struggle. So much to eat, but you have to pick and choose, and then fall into an endorphin-induced coma as the stomach takes over as the primary organ of the body, digesting bits of turkey while the photons emitted by A Grand Day Out on TV provide the brain with the vital carrier wave to prevent it from collapsing into soggy neural death altogether.
So, Christmas. Jesus Christ, superstar. Posing in his beard, like a chunky dental mist. I suppose we should celebrate him again, by drinking a lot and generally exhibiting heathen behaviour. Great!
Everything is great. Absolutely peachy in fact. We certainly couldn’t be any more happy at the moment. Look out your window - look at the sun and the grass. They’re lovely aren’t they? And you’re lovely too.
Open your arms out and welcome the day. Live for the now - do something special every hour. Wow. You can. We all can. Say “Yes!” to the moment. Forget your fears. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Published by Dan on 7th November, 2007
in Blog.
Ok guys, check this one out right. Ever since Jeff brought it up we’ve all been desperately racking our mind cavities for the tiniest inklings, the merest sproutings, of a suitable new moniker for our glorious abode. Finally I think I’ve cracked it.
So we play a lot of Team Fortress here in the house and, and you’ll love this! Our house right, yep, our house - this one we live in yeah? But what did we go and call our house? Oh yes, you know it! Fort Awesome! Brilliant name right?! But here I’m going to go one better, oh yes! Team Fortress?! yes! Fort Awesome right? Thats it! You’re getting it! Come on! Say it with me; the new name for Fort Awesome should be:
The Bowel Factory!
Beat that in the comments (you won’t because you can’t).
In all my life, I have known no greater love than that which I feel towards my company alarm clock. There it sits, on my desk, logo a glitter like a shining star in the cold night air - I think it smiles at me sometimes. When I’m not looking.
One day I’ll work up some courage and ask it if it would like to go for a drink some time, or maybe for a walk in the park like they do in the books and films. Until then… well… I can just gaze at it longingly. And masturbate.
I love you, company alarm clock. I hope you feel the same way about me.
